About 2021

I want to write a reflection of my life in 2021.

I know it’s already the end of the first month of 2022, but I felt like writing this, so let me, okay?

Let me first get you back to 2020, when everything spiraled down and I was at my rock bottom, lol. Both the quarter life crisis and the pandemic hit me like a truck.

All that I did at that time, I did them for the sake of surviving. I WAS indeed on a survival mode. And I definitely wasn’t in my best mental state.

So apologies for any inconvenience caused by that to everyone around me, and thank you for still putting up with me despite all the shiz.

Fast forward, at the end of that year, I was both still in a relationship with my ex, and struggling finishing my thesis so I could graduate uni by the new year.

As I was approaching and embracing 2021, I thought everything was going better.

I finally graduated university (I earned my bachelor’s degree y’all!!! Finally!! After all those painful years waiting and got stuck up in a messy life!!!).

I had waited for this moment for so long, I was and still am grateful for it. It’s not the degree that matters (it does matter to me personally but that’s another case), but appreciating what you had been dreaming and working on for so long always feels nice, no?

So yeah, there’s that.

One ‘achievement’ unlocked, no matter how insignificant that might be to you.

And I gotta tell you, graduating on Zoom made it to the most uneventful important event list of mine. Lol.

And the journey continued.

Not long after that, I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to work at one of the biggest digital news medias in the country.

And I got to do not only the thing I’ve always wanted to do, but also what I have been doing all the time: writing and being active on social media!!!

I remember all the time my mom asked me to put my phone down and not be on social media all the time, yet there I was lol.

As time went by though, I began to realize not all that glitters is gold.

I mentioned about being in a relationship earlier, right? Turns out, maintaining it while also trying to do my job right and keeping my sanity isn’t easy to do at all.

At first I could keep it all together, just balancing out one after another. But the situation turmoiled, and it felt as if I had to choose. Choose I did.

And sadly, but realistically enough, I opted for my work — and my sanity.

I’m not saying my relationship experience was that bad — surely it had its ups and downs, and in the end it indeed went real downhill and toxic, to say the least — but at that time I felt the extreme need to get back to myself, to prioritize myself and my well being over everything.

And to top it off, at the end of the year I had to let go of my job too. Hahahahaha.

After almost ten months working there, I had to let go of it. If you asked me, I’d say, it’s not easy. it was my first ever full-time job and I genuinely liked, loved even, doing it.

I felt really melancholic during my last days (for some reasons I still do). I didn’t even dare to tell my coworkers until it was my last week being there, because I was afraid I’d burst into tears immediately after telling them, and/or the interaction would feel super weird and I didn’t want that. If the term being broken-hearted by work existed, then that’s exactly what I felt.

I had the time of my life being included there in its system: the unusual work schedules, the breaking news-induced sudden rising anxiety (lol, I was still not used to it even after working there for more than half a year lol), tears of happiness when the dynamic duo Greysia-Apriyani won the gold medal for the first time in a while, heart-wrenching news of rising covid cases in July-August that made me cry every time I pushed for the app notification, the AWESOME PEOPLE AT WORK!!! The very dedicated ones, the ones who put their hearts in crafting the news, the infographics, the photos, all that my teammates did for the social media accounts, my bosses (my manager and the managing editors)…. I was so happy to be a part of it.

It even led me to think maybe I really am indeed not good enough for the job. That’s actually what makes me sad the most.

But as much as I have always been subjective about things (meaning: I’ve always lowered myself down in every situation, put my feelings and emotions away so I could create a better, more rational reaction to things happening to me), I’ve managed to be objective about this. I’ve managed to find a balanced meaning in this event: I know I’ve made many mistakes there, probably intolerable ones, but I’ve also, I think, to be fair, maybe in my defense (or not haha), done my best there.

Despite all the hardships in 2021: the heartbreak from the toxic relationship, the ever-complicated relationship I’ve had with my family, the always-conflicted self, I did try to perform better at my job. And again, to be fair, maybe what my manager said was right. Not everyone suits working in the media.

So there you go, my highest highs and lowest lows in 2021.

I gained some, I lost some too.

The break-up, though I was the one who initiated it, and we were just simply not meant to be, actually really did break me. It makes me feel like I’m unlovable, like I need to ‘fix myself’ before I can really be interdependent with someone matching my energy.

Letting go of my work feels similar to that too. But instead, this time I was being cut off because I was the toxic one in the relationship. And that actually slaps me pretty hard on the face. :’)

But as everything else in the world, you always get to learn from events in your life.

Had I not gotten out of the toxic relationship back then, I wouldn’t know what it’d feel like to finally be free (again). I wouldn’t know what freedom truly means, I’d still get stuck in the normal idea of settling down, get married and have kids (I don’t judge the people who have this kind of dreams, I have these too) — before I could actually make my other dreams happen. I wouldn’t know the importance of loving yourself first, putting yourself first, be done with yourself first before you could actually get to know another person again. I am still progressing up until now, but at least now I know the importance of self-love.

Had I not let go of my job, I wouldn’t get slapped hard by the reality — I wouldn’t know the real meaning of things, why we do the things we do. Of work ethics, and how to build good ones. I’d probably still live life on autopilot mode, probably still in my comfort zone, something so easy to do yet it’s what also made me feel unsatisfied with everything.

Had I not let go of the things I needed to let go of — forcefully or not — I wouldn’t go into this deep reflection mode, trying to be super aware of all that happened to me (and by me, lol). I wouldn’t try to be mindful and think of what could go right in my life. I wouldn’t get into the realization that everything is temporary, all the pain and the joy, are temporary, so if anything, learn to embrace it. And go from there.

Oh well, this gets a little longer than I expected it to be.

I write this in the hope to clear up my mind, and I decided to put this here on my blog for everyone to see — not to explain my situation to everybody (I mean, who the hell cares? And as a good friend of mine said: we don’t need to explain myself to anyone!), but rather as a self-reminder that I’ve come this far. And I may lose, and that’s okay. I may need some time to rest, and that’s okay. And if I have to try again, that’s okay too. This is my way of accepting myself hehe.

If you read this thoroughly until the end, thank you. Please take it with a grain of salt. Haha. Whether this writing resonates with you or not, I wish you all the best in your journey(s) too. Stay safe, everyone :)